I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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