My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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