He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
