FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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