I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
