im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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