My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
