Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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