Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
