did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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