A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
