is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
