I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
the raccoons are back...
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