That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
