I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
