My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she told me i tasted like america
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
