I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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