1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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