Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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