Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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