my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
