My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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