So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
