So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
