Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
