I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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