I can text with my tongue
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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