Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
