I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
