Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
