I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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