maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
