She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize