I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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