I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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