so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
