we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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