This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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