Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize