Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I forget how to act sober
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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