I molested 6 butterflies tonight
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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