Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
