Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
