I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
