drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
