My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
that is very illegal...i love you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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