I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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