Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
