He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
