Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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