Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
