I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
