i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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