I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
