omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
