well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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