I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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