He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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