I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
