he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
