Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
