and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
