Pregnant stripper...not hot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
