So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
