i would punch a child for taco bell
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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