Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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