Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
